Yesterday my husband went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. It wasn't a big surprise. I have noticed the symptoms for a long time. At first it was just one hand shaking, then two. He has been unsteady when he walks and drags one foot. Now I am noticing his difficulty in speaking. He finally told me that he has to really concentrate when he is walking.
At first he blamed his shakiness on me. I guess denial is common.
My thoughts and emotions are really spinning. I'm resigned to the situation only because there is nothing that I can do to change it. I must accept it in order to move forward. However, I have had thoughts of, "Why him God?" Why me and my family?" I don't dwell on that idea because it is so negative and self absorbed.
Parkinson's is a neurogenerative movement disorder that progressively gets worse and is incurable. Michael J. Fox and Mohammad Ali have Parkinson's. Do you remember seeing Michael when he first announced he had PD? I do. I was stunned. Now I sit in that same dull feeling wondering if my husband will be shaking his head and body like Michael.
Last night I told the children that we need to help Dad more with things like walking the dog and doing chores around the house. They don't know what PD is but they sensed in my voice and manner that it is serious.
My husband was sitting at the kitchen table and very calmly said, "I went to the doctor today and he gave me some medicine". He was staring at the bottle of pills, reading its' complicated instructions. Literally, he takes one pill every day at 7pm for a week, the following week a pill every day at 12pm , the following week a pill at 5am, 12 pm and 7pm and then I can't remember. I am sure I will need to make a chart because he won't remember. He has always resisted taking vitamins or pills.
I didn't cry when he told me. I feel like crying today. I could cry but what good would that do? I'd only have to recover and find a way to get strong. I have cried so very much in the last few years; tears for lost friendships, tears from a brokenheart, tears from failure, tears for nothing. I have learned that tears are worthless.
I have already taped into the Internet for information about PD and am finding that it's a big story to enter into.
I honestly believe that it is not when we stand up to fight or lay down to let it be, it is the moment when we reach out that changes everything.
I am thankful that I have this blog to share my thoughts.